I am so thankful that my God has such a great plan for my life, and this is truly just the beginning.
1) First off, before visiting the campus, I had a dream that I was enrolled in Saint Rose and loving it. However, a couple of classes required bus transportation about 10 minutes away from the campus. I didn't know it at the time, but it turns out that St Rose offers photography and other select courses about 10 minutes away from the campus. Seemingly insignificant, yet still divine.
2) As I was talking to the transfer advisor, Dan, during my visit, he noted that they had never received my transcript from UC. That means St Rose put together a few other things in order to get me into their school. For some reason, they wanted me there, and they made it happen.
3) When I was finally told that St Rose never received my transcript from UC, they requested that it be sent out immediately in order to award me scholarships, etc. I was away for the weekend, so my mom had to go to the college and pick my transcript up for me. As stated in other posts, it was difficult for me to connect with the majority of the people while I was there. Out of God's grace, the girl working the desk at the time happened to know who I was and granted my mom permission to sign a form without me being present.
4) I was awarded the second highest transfer scholarship available. :D
Miracles.
Everything is coming together so perfectly. Thank you, God. I will continue to trust in you for the rest to fall into place exactly where it belongs.
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Monday, June 11, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A change in plans and a full-fledged dependence on God.
This isn't easy for me to say. There is just so much. If only I could find the words... and if only I knew how to listen to God the first time around, things would be so much less difficult. But it is by His grace and deliverance that I have even made it this far, and I am more than grateful. This past year has been filled with brokenness, hurt, suffering, confusion, heaviness and a disconnection; all which eventually led me to a period of growth, transition, further maturity in faith, learning how to solely depend and trust in God, and a deep spirit of discernment. My testimony is so great and so overwhelming all at the same time.
As you know, the reason I originally left Ithaca was because the spirit there was so heavy. Granted, I had other things weighing down on me as well, but mainly the evil spirit on that campus was so overbearing that I could barely function as myself. I spent a lot of energy bogged down instead of being excited about new opportunities like I should have been feeling. I was unable to trust my judgment and decision making, and I cried all the time. The atmosphere was the color of gray. Witnessing false prophesy, false teaching, unique attacks from Satan, and more sin than I had ever seen in my life... I didn't think I was ready to take on that challenge. Yes, I did grow immensely while I was in Ithaca for that one semester. But the way I was feeling while I was there was a tough road to tread through. For a while I thought I was insane, because no one else understood exactly what I was feeling. But when Andrew brought me back to school that one night in December, he felt it too. I just found out like a week ago that he came home and told his parents he didn't like being there because of how dull and heavy it felt. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The crazy thing is, when I came home I missed Ithaca so much. At times, I was happy to not be going back, but other times, all I wanted was to go back. I forgot all about the heaviness, and the nearly depressed feeling I had while I was there. I thought God was calling me home to consume my life into my church, but things were so different at home, and in my church that I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I no longer fit in, and I felt so disconnected and out of place that it was almost unbearable. I spent a lot of time crying at home too. So I basically just got to the point where I just wanted to get away and there was a part of me that wanted to go back to Ithaca. At a bit of a low, I missed the friends I had made there, and although I know coming home turned out to be exactly what I needed, I wanted to get out of here. But during the beginning of my decision process of potentially going back to Ithaca, I received a phone call from Lisa. She told me that she doesn't normally involve herself in another person's decision making (I know first hand that this is normally true) but she felt too strongly about what God had just shown her and couldn't resist. She had been praying about me for Ithaca, when God let her experience the heaviness that was over that place as well. She said it was unlike anything she had ever felt, and unlike anything she wanted to ever experience again. God also showed her in Exodus 13 when He didn't lead the people through the quickest way to the Promise Land because He knew that once they were faced with battle, they would most likely change their minds and return to Egypt. Best part is, God had told me to start reading Exodus about a week prior to this conversation. There it was, my first word of confirmation.
I knew from the beginning that I wasn't planning on staying at Utica College either, but I just wanted to get out of Ithaca and I was willing to take every opportunity I could to make that possible. But UC did not have my major and the second i stepped on campus, I didn't feel like I fit in at all. I tried to make friends, and sure I had acquaintances and I would talk to different people in class, but I could not manage to fit in. There was a wall blocking me from feeling as comfortable as i should have been able to feel there. I realize now that wall was God... "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:19). Recently, I even received a word from three different people at two separate times that confirmed that this is going to be how my college life will be. I had different expectations, wanting to be "everybody's buddy" like I was in highschool. But college is more realistic in that it is of the world, and I needed to rid myself of the mindset of necessarily "fitting in" and find my niche in people that could encourage me and stand by me in faith.
Coming home for the semester was just the right amount of time for me to realize that I am more ready to be on my own than I thought, and it also gave me some time to hear from God and learn that my original goals for my life were not the same as His goals for my life. I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to shadow a speech pathologist at one point, in an elementary school setting, and it was such an uplifting and inspiring day filled with smiles. It also offered me the motivation I am going to need to strive through all the hardships in order to reach my end goal. That is something that is officially set in stone for me, that I was previously unsure of, which is a wonderful feeling. Aside from that though, I used to see myself living in my hometown/area forever. Never leaving other than to travel for little vacations here and there, always being surrounded by the very same people. Coming home and taking classes more locally this semester allowed some space for God to place a fresh desire in my heart. Exploration. Opportunities. New places. The city. I have spent so much time traveling and getting to know the will of God for my life in different places. Searching for comfort in Him as well as familiarity and a sense of belonging in newly formed relationships, locations and states of mind - and boy, that is such a blessing!! Jeremiah 29:11 has been so encouraging to me this past year. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.." God woke me up countless times in the middle of the night to remind me of this verse.
Knowing that I wasn't going to stay at UC for any length of time, I began my college search once again. I researched, visited and applied to so many different schools. Doors would seem to open just a crack and I would dive in, and either end up disappointed or way too stressed out. My parents had restrictions and limits, which although understandable, seemed to make things more difficult at the time. Even after being accepted to some schools, my peace was not restored. I turned down a few acceptances before making the decision to get everything settled back into IC. One campus tour caused a little chaos between me and my family. I was so excited about attending this college at first, and so was my boyfriend. But before he even made his decision not to go, I had heard from God that it wasn't a good place for me either. That was hard. During this time, Matthew 6:33 kept showing up everywhere. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." At first, I had a slightly warped idea of what this scripture was intended to mean to me, but now I see where God was headed with it.
A bit more recently, some people began helping me look into some more options for other schools. Although I was pretty burnt out and ready to just head back to Ithaca, I didn't feel right about it. (When God speaks to me when I don't seem to really want to listen, He digs into my gut and makes me kind of nauseas.) Whenever I thought about sitting in that Terrace Dining Hall once again, it made me feel very uneasy. I was not content with going back to Ithaca, I just had myself convinced that I was. Then I realized that a girl I know happens to actually attend St. Rose. I was originally just looking forward to getting to talk to her about the school a bit because I knew she was a Christian and it would be nice getting some information from an on campus Christian's point of view, but then I realized that she transferred there, in the same major as me, as a sophomore as well. Our situations were so incredibly similar, and our conversation about the school skyrocketed. I had so many questions. I'm not letting anything go unanswered this time. No beating around the bush. At first, I have to admit I wasn't too excited about the idea. I had originally heard some mixed things about the campus so I made a point to get in contact with as many people as I could to drill them about the school, the city, the atmosphere, etc. All of the answers I received, the reviews I read, and the information I found on the site continued to make me happy and have, so far, seemed to fit my description of the "perfect school."
I asked one of my pastors to pray with me about decision making a couple of weeks ago. He spent a good 45 minutes praying with me and then encouraging me about how to make the right choice. He helped guide me in the sense of what types of things I need to factor in, etc. He asked God to send me prophetic words from outsiders to confirm my decision making so that I would be positive of it this time. He talked about how to feel God's peace. I was really thankful for that conversation.
Even before that, random people in my church were coming up to me and basically telling me not to go back to Ithaca - but in lesser words. Over the past couple of weeks, my decision has become more and more prominent and clear to me. I have received multiple words of confirmation. One night, Lisa told me that God told her that He does not want me back in Ithaca. Just like that. Super straight forward. You'd think this would be enough, but I'm stubborn. I wanted to hear from God, 100% for myself. (He had been speaking to me many times before this, obviously, but I was waiting for a more clear-cut, in your face type response.) One morning, while I was waiting for Carissa to wake up, I was sitting on the floor on my little blow up mattress and reading my bible. I asked God to show me scriptures that would lead me to make the right decision. Then, I kept asking for more scripture. They all turned out to be along the exact same lines, and basically God told me that I will be heading for destruction and times of turmoil if I return to Ithaca. That Sunday, I went to church with my boyfriend and his family. I have met many of the people there many times, but none of them know anything about my situation. Conveniently, before service began, they had an alter call for anyone in search of direction. I went up to the alter for prayer, and when Pastor Jack and Marilyn prayed over me, they both said that the right decision may not be exactly what I want, and that there are is something I keep trying to add into the equation that shouldn't be there. I went back to my seat powerless and recharged.
Since then, more and more things have seemed to make sense for me to go to Saint Rose. I'm really looking forward to visiting the campus on Friday. I will write again after that.
As you know, the reason I originally left Ithaca was because the spirit there was so heavy. Granted, I had other things weighing down on me as well, but mainly the evil spirit on that campus was so overbearing that I could barely function as myself. I spent a lot of energy bogged down instead of being excited about new opportunities like I should have been feeling. I was unable to trust my judgment and decision making, and I cried all the time. The atmosphere was the color of gray. Witnessing false prophesy, false teaching, unique attacks from Satan, and more sin than I had ever seen in my life... I didn't think I was ready to take on that challenge. Yes, I did grow immensely while I was in Ithaca for that one semester. But the way I was feeling while I was there was a tough road to tread through. For a while I thought I was insane, because no one else understood exactly what I was feeling. But when Andrew brought me back to school that one night in December, he felt it too. I just found out like a week ago that he came home and told his parents he didn't like being there because of how dull and heavy it felt. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The crazy thing is, when I came home I missed Ithaca so much. At times, I was happy to not be going back, but other times, all I wanted was to go back. I forgot all about the heaviness, and the nearly depressed feeling I had while I was there. I thought God was calling me home to consume my life into my church, but things were so different at home, and in my church that I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I no longer fit in, and I felt so disconnected and out of place that it was almost unbearable. I spent a lot of time crying at home too. So I basically just got to the point where I just wanted to get away and there was a part of me that wanted to go back to Ithaca. At a bit of a low, I missed the friends I had made there, and although I know coming home turned out to be exactly what I needed, I wanted to get out of here. But during the beginning of my decision process of potentially going back to Ithaca, I received a phone call from Lisa. She told me that she doesn't normally involve herself in another person's decision making (I know first hand that this is normally true) but she felt too strongly about what God had just shown her and couldn't resist. She had been praying about me for Ithaca, when God let her experience the heaviness that was over that place as well. She said it was unlike anything she had ever felt, and unlike anything she wanted to ever experience again. God also showed her in Exodus 13 when He didn't lead the people through the quickest way to the Promise Land because He knew that once they were faced with battle, they would most likely change their minds and return to Egypt. Best part is, God had told me to start reading Exodus about a week prior to this conversation. There it was, my first word of confirmation.
I knew from the beginning that I wasn't planning on staying at Utica College either, but I just wanted to get out of Ithaca and I was willing to take every opportunity I could to make that possible. But UC did not have my major and the second i stepped on campus, I didn't feel like I fit in at all. I tried to make friends, and sure I had acquaintances and I would talk to different people in class, but I could not manage to fit in. There was a wall blocking me from feeling as comfortable as i should have been able to feel there. I realize now that wall was God... "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:19). Recently, I even received a word from three different people at two separate times that confirmed that this is going to be how my college life will be. I had different expectations, wanting to be "everybody's buddy" like I was in highschool. But college is more realistic in that it is of the world, and I needed to rid myself of the mindset of necessarily "fitting in" and find my niche in people that could encourage me and stand by me in faith.
Coming home for the semester was just the right amount of time for me to realize that I am more ready to be on my own than I thought, and it also gave me some time to hear from God and learn that my original goals for my life were not the same as His goals for my life. I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to shadow a speech pathologist at one point, in an elementary school setting, and it was such an uplifting and inspiring day filled with smiles. It also offered me the motivation I am going to need to strive through all the hardships in order to reach my end goal. That is something that is officially set in stone for me, that I was previously unsure of, which is a wonderful feeling. Aside from that though, I used to see myself living in my hometown/area forever. Never leaving other than to travel for little vacations here and there, always being surrounded by the very same people. Coming home and taking classes more locally this semester allowed some space for God to place a fresh desire in my heart. Exploration. Opportunities. New places. The city. I have spent so much time traveling and getting to know the will of God for my life in different places. Searching for comfort in Him as well as familiarity and a sense of belonging in newly formed relationships, locations and states of mind - and boy, that is such a blessing!! Jeremiah 29:11 has been so encouraging to me this past year. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.." God woke me up countless times in the middle of the night to remind me of this verse.
Knowing that I wasn't going to stay at UC for any length of time, I began my college search once again. I researched, visited and applied to so many different schools. Doors would seem to open just a crack and I would dive in, and either end up disappointed or way too stressed out. My parents had restrictions and limits, which although understandable, seemed to make things more difficult at the time. Even after being accepted to some schools, my peace was not restored. I turned down a few acceptances before making the decision to get everything settled back into IC. One campus tour caused a little chaos between me and my family. I was so excited about attending this college at first, and so was my boyfriend. But before he even made his decision not to go, I had heard from God that it wasn't a good place for me either. That was hard. During this time, Matthew 6:33 kept showing up everywhere. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." At first, I had a slightly warped idea of what this scripture was intended to mean to me, but now I see where God was headed with it.
A bit more recently, some people began helping me look into some more options for other schools. Although I was pretty burnt out and ready to just head back to Ithaca, I didn't feel right about it. (When God speaks to me when I don't seem to really want to listen, He digs into my gut and makes me kind of nauseas.) Whenever I thought about sitting in that Terrace Dining Hall once again, it made me feel very uneasy. I was not content with going back to Ithaca, I just had myself convinced that I was. Then I realized that a girl I know happens to actually attend St. Rose. I was originally just looking forward to getting to talk to her about the school a bit because I knew she was a Christian and it would be nice getting some information from an on campus Christian's point of view, but then I realized that she transferred there, in the same major as me, as a sophomore as well. Our situations were so incredibly similar, and our conversation about the school skyrocketed. I had so many questions. I'm not letting anything go unanswered this time. No beating around the bush. At first, I have to admit I wasn't too excited about the idea. I had originally heard some mixed things about the campus so I made a point to get in contact with as many people as I could to drill them about the school, the city, the atmosphere, etc. All of the answers I received, the reviews I read, and the information I found on the site continued to make me happy and have, so far, seemed to fit my description of the "perfect school."
I asked one of my pastors to pray with me about decision making a couple of weeks ago. He spent a good 45 minutes praying with me and then encouraging me about how to make the right choice. He helped guide me in the sense of what types of things I need to factor in, etc. He asked God to send me prophetic words from outsiders to confirm my decision making so that I would be positive of it this time. He talked about how to feel God's peace. I was really thankful for that conversation.
Even before that, random people in my church were coming up to me and basically telling me not to go back to Ithaca - but in lesser words. Over the past couple of weeks, my decision has become more and more prominent and clear to me. I have received multiple words of confirmation. One night, Lisa told me that God told her that He does not want me back in Ithaca. Just like that. Super straight forward. You'd think this would be enough, but I'm stubborn. I wanted to hear from God, 100% for myself. (He had been speaking to me many times before this, obviously, but I was waiting for a more clear-cut, in your face type response.) One morning, while I was waiting for Carissa to wake up, I was sitting on the floor on my little blow up mattress and reading my bible. I asked God to show me scriptures that would lead me to make the right decision. Then, I kept asking for more scripture. They all turned out to be along the exact same lines, and basically God told me that I will be heading for destruction and times of turmoil if I return to Ithaca. That Sunday, I went to church with my boyfriend and his family. I have met many of the people there many times, but none of them know anything about my situation. Conveniently, before service began, they had an alter call for anyone in search of direction. I went up to the alter for prayer, and when Pastor Jack and Marilyn prayed over me, they both said that the right decision may not be exactly what I want, and that there are is something I keep trying to add into the equation that shouldn't be there. I went back to my seat powerless and recharged.
Since then, more and more things have seemed to make sense for me to go to Saint Rose. I'm really looking forward to visiting the campus on Friday. I will write again after that.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Decisions and unknown distances
Not knowing where I'm going to end up next year is quite frankly the biggest stressor imaginable.
Wait a minute, I have less than three months to make a decision.
Sent in an application for The College of Saint Rose this afternoon. It's smack dab in the middle of my all the people and places I love and cherish most: my family, my church, and my boyfriend. Other than that though, I literally don't know one measly thing about the school, which generally it isn't a smart idea to make a decision based upon a big fat nothing. Then again, "wing it" seems to be my middle name these days.
I've spent the rest of the day messaging different types of people on Facebook that I know attend St. Rose and asking them their opinions on the school. So far, each one of them has had nothing but good things to say about it. I'd say that's a good sign!
Even better yet, Christina was in the same boat as me at the beginning of this year: A young Christian girl transferring into the Communication Science and Disorders major as a sophomore. She said transferring to St. Rose was one of the best decisions she's ever made.
Can I maybe say "Decision" one more time?
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Rainy days are perfect for drinking tea and snuggling up in bed with a good book.
So I picked up my bible. Immediately God gave me a scripture to share with my friend Kim. He has been using me a lot lately for things like that. But, that's not what I wanted to share.
I am so thankful for convictions that make me do a heart check. Where is my heart at? What are my treasures?
I haven't been feeling 100% myself over the past few weeks, and I hate complaining and making bad confessions but I have been constantly dizzy and nauseas everyday. For this fact, my boyfriend's mom has had it on her heart to pray for me. She knows that when I worry, I tend to get myself all worked up and sick over it. But on the other hand, God also tends to speak to me in such deep manners that it often gives me an uneasy feeling in my stomach. So Lisa came in the room last night when Andrew and I were skyping, and she was advising me not to worry about anything, because God is in control of everything. I didn't even realize I was worried until I opened up my bible and read Matthew 6:25-27 (NLT):
Then it all hit me at once, the worries that I have tangled up inside of me. Here is a list:
1) Transition period --> Am I where I'm supposed to be right now? Where will I be next year, and the following years? What does my future hold?
2) School --> Current grades, applications, where I'm going to be college-wise in the Fall
3) Summer jobs --> God is telling me not to go back to the cinema this summer, so my desire is to work at the summer recreation program in my village but that is a really difficult job to get, and in the meantime I am broke.
But you know what? God grabbed ahold of my heart tonight. He told me that if I seek His kingdom above all other things, living righteously, He will give me everything that I need (Matthew 6:33). After reading these scriptures, I have gained a refreshed trust in my God, becoming fully aware that He has everything in His hands.
And I will go back to my all-time favorite scripture:
Jeremiah 29:11
I am so thankful for convictions that make me do a heart check. Where is my heart at? What are my treasures?
I haven't been feeling 100% myself over the past few weeks, and I hate complaining and making bad confessions but I have been constantly dizzy and nauseas everyday. For this fact, my boyfriend's mom has had it on her heart to pray for me. She knows that when I worry, I tend to get myself all worked up and sick over it. But on the other hand, God also tends to speak to me in such deep manners that it often gives me an uneasy feeling in my stomach. So Lisa came in the room last night when Andrew and I were skyping, and she was advising me not to worry about anything, because God is in control of everything. I didn't even realize I was worried until I opened up my bible and read Matthew 6:25-27 (NLT):
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?"
Then it all hit me at once, the worries that I have tangled up inside of me. Here is a list:
1) Transition period --> Am I where I'm supposed to be right now? Where will I be next year, and the following years? What does my future hold?
2) School --> Current grades, applications, where I'm going to be college-wise in the Fall
3) Summer jobs --> God is telling me not to go back to the cinema this summer, so my desire is to work at the summer recreation program in my village but that is a really difficult job to get, and in the meantime I am broke.
But you know what? God grabbed ahold of my heart tonight. He told me that if I seek His kingdom above all other things, living righteously, He will give me everything that I need (Matthew 6:33). After reading these scriptures, I have gained a refreshed trust in my God, becoming fully aware that He has everything in His hands.
And I will go back to my all-time favorite scripture:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Ithaca testimony
First of all, let me just give you a little bit of background. The reason I originally left IC was because the spirit of that place was so heavy. I thought it was just me until Andrew brought me back after weekend visit home and said he felt it too. Over this past year, I have been acquiring a unique spirit of discernment and learning how to deal with it and the best way to go about it. So the spirit I was feeling at Ithaca last semester was draining me by just being there on that campus. Long story short, I felt like God was calling me home to get as involved in my church as I possibly could, and regain my strength in Him with my church family alongside me, encouraging me the whole way.
HOWEVER, I can't even begin to describe how difficult this semester has been for me. Emotionally, spiritually, relationally, etc. I have been facing so many challenges in every aspect. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't planning on staying at UC, which is where I am now, but I just wanted to get out of Ithaca and I was willing to take every opportunity I could to make that possible. But UC does not have my major and the second I stepped on that campus for orientation, I didn't feel like I fit in. I've tried to make friends, and sure I have acquaintances and people I can talk to in class, but I still just do not fit in - even to this day. This is a rare thing for me to accept considering I was voted "everybody's buddy" for senior superlatives in high school and it was so easy for me to make friends in Ithaca. But here, there is a wall blocking me from feeling as comfortable as I should be able to feel.
Not only do I feel out of place at UC, but at church as well. Don't get me wrong, I love my church and my church family and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But I don't even feel like I fit in there anymore. I used to have so much responsibility there, I was a youth leader, I did so much for everyone. But this past semester i have had to work my butt off to even find out where there is a need that needs to be met, despite my willingness to get involved in any way. It is definitely a struggle. Even more so, my relationship with every single person in my church has changed. I am not as close with my pastors, nor any of my friends. At first i thought everyone had changed, but I think it was actually me. And not in a bad way.
Being at Ithaca, as draining as it was for me, was also a beneficial time for me spiritually. Being away from my church family taught me to solely depend on God for everything as well as to be more careful with things that I allow into my heart and my spirit. I learned to feel God's presence, as well as negative spirits in a whole new way. I think that's also where I learned to become so discerning. As my faith grew, so did my dependence on God...and my acceptance for secular activities such as watching certain TV shows and listening to certain types of music that maybe other people find okay declined. There are times now where I'll be listening to Manafest or Unhindered or some worship band and honestly get PICKED on by people IN MY YOUTH GROUP as they sit there and listen to Kanye West and Jamie Foxx. (Good sound, bad message.) It's also hard to go off to college and then come back to a bunch of people who never left. You start to notice a lot of things that you didn't see before. (I am basically the only person in my church who went away to college and came back. Everyone else either left and lost touch with God, or just stayed home and never left for college at all. So I am the only exception that nobody has gotten used to yet.)
It's not that I'm no longer a part of my church and I'm not friends with anyone there anymore, because I definitely am. I'm still a leader, I still help out whenever I can, and I'm going to a conference that only the youth leaders have been invited to in April. I still appreciate all of them and am very, VERY thankful for my church and my pastors and everyone else that is there. But I also think that God called me home to get involved with the church to REDIRECT me to a new place. A new path. Maybe it's because God knows that if Andrew and I get married I will most likely move away so He's preparing me for that ahead of time since I have always been so set on staying in this area forever and always being a part of Life Church. But Andrew's family has been called to ministry AS A FAMILY so maybe I'll end up a part of that as well. Last semester, God spoke to me at a conference about being called to ministry. Last week, this was confirmed. I still don't know what aspect, but I'm positive I'm called to some aspect of ministry and perhaps that is why God is redirecting me. Or maybe it's something completely aside from all of this. Who knows? God does. But I think that's also why my family and I have been on such awkward terms lately as well. My parents give me less freedom than they did when I was in high school. I went away to college for a semester and now that I'm back, they've been holding on tighter than ever. My parents aren't saved, so they also do not understand being led by God, and that has also been a challenge as of lately.
Which brings me to the fact that I'm going back to Ithaca in the fall; and trust me, I have never spent so much time and effort praying for direction in my entire life. And I'm not stopping. Jeremiah 29:11 has been my life verse this year. It's seriously so pertinent and relevant to my life. God has woken me up in the middle of the night to remind me of that verse countless times over the course of this year. And that is where my trust is going in all of this: God.
No one is too happy about it. It was actually really hard for me at first as well. And I'm sure going back there isn't going to be easy for a lot of reasons. Actually, for a while, I kept feeling like God was confirming for me NOT to go back there. But when I started talking to my parents (I know they mean well and I'm thankful that they only want what's best for me but they have been making things so difficult for me lately) about all of it and applying to different places, the only options that ended up available to me are within like a 1 hour radius - which i know is not what God wants for me. Also, they don't have my major and I know for a fact that speech pathology is where I'm called to be as a career. That's another story though…but ultimately I need to get out, I need to move on, and I need to start seeking God's direction for my life in a new way. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be staying at Ithaca...maybe for a semester, maybe for a year, maybe for the rest of my undergrad….But none of that needs to be decided right now. I'm trusting in God for that as well.
As of right now, my current plan (which this could definitely change) is to either finish up my undergrad at Ithaca or go back to Ithaca for a year and then transfer to New Paltz (this all depends on a lot of different factors) ...and then do grad school for 2 years in the city. Maybe do an internship with Hillsong NYC or one of the churches in the area. I'd love to go to bible school when all is finished but I know my parents would be really upset if I skipped out on getting a degree that would make me money and just went to bible school right now. Also, like I said, I'm supposed to be a speech pathologist.
It is really, truly amazing how God works, and I'm learning that more and more everyday. This year has certainly not been easy for me in the least bit, but looking back on it, I have actually been very blessed in a lot of different ways.
HOWEVER, I can't even begin to describe how difficult this semester has been for me. Emotionally, spiritually, relationally, etc. I have been facing so many challenges in every aspect. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't planning on staying at UC, which is where I am now, but I just wanted to get out of Ithaca and I was willing to take every opportunity I could to make that possible. But UC does not have my major and the second I stepped on that campus for orientation, I didn't feel like I fit in. I've tried to make friends, and sure I have acquaintances and people I can talk to in class, but I still just do not fit in - even to this day. This is a rare thing for me to accept considering I was voted "everybody's buddy" for senior superlatives in high school and it was so easy for me to make friends in Ithaca. But here, there is a wall blocking me from feeling as comfortable as I should be able to feel.
Not only do I feel out of place at UC, but at church as well. Don't get me wrong, I love my church and my church family and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But I don't even feel like I fit in there anymore. I used to have so much responsibility there, I was a youth leader, I did so much for everyone. But this past semester i have had to work my butt off to even find out where there is a need that needs to be met, despite my willingness to get involved in any way. It is definitely a struggle. Even more so, my relationship with every single person in my church has changed. I am not as close with my pastors, nor any of my friends. At first i thought everyone had changed, but I think it was actually me. And not in a bad way.
Being at Ithaca, as draining as it was for me, was also a beneficial time for me spiritually. Being away from my church family taught me to solely depend on God for everything as well as to be more careful with things that I allow into my heart and my spirit. I learned to feel God's presence, as well as negative spirits in a whole new way. I think that's also where I learned to become so discerning. As my faith grew, so did my dependence on God...and my acceptance for secular activities such as watching certain TV shows and listening to certain types of music that maybe other people find okay declined. There are times now where I'll be listening to Manafest or Unhindered or some worship band and honestly get PICKED on by people IN MY YOUTH GROUP as they sit there and listen to Kanye West and Jamie Foxx. (Good sound, bad message.) It's also hard to go off to college and then come back to a bunch of people who never left. You start to notice a lot of things that you didn't see before. (I am basically the only person in my church who went away to college and came back. Everyone else either left and lost touch with God, or just stayed home and never left for college at all. So I am the only exception that nobody has gotten used to yet.)
It's not that I'm no longer a part of my church and I'm not friends with anyone there anymore, because I definitely am. I'm still a leader, I still help out whenever I can, and I'm going to a conference that only the youth leaders have been invited to in April. I still appreciate all of them and am very, VERY thankful for my church and my pastors and everyone else that is there. But I also think that God called me home to get involved with the church to REDIRECT me to a new place. A new path. Maybe it's because God knows that if Andrew and I get married I will most likely move away so He's preparing me for that ahead of time since I have always been so set on staying in this area forever and always being a part of Life Church. But Andrew's family has been called to ministry AS A FAMILY so maybe I'll end up a part of that as well. Last semester, God spoke to me at a conference about being called to ministry. Last week, this was confirmed. I still don't know what aspect, but I'm positive I'm called to some aspect of ministry and perhaps that is why God is redirecting me. Or maybe it's something completely aside from all of this. Who knows? God does. But I think that's also why my family and I have been on such awkward terms lately as well. My parents give me less freedom than they did when I was in high school. I went away to college for a semester and now that I'm back, they've been holding on tighter than ever. My parents aren't saved, so they also do not understand being led by God, and that has also been a challenge as of lately.
Which brings me to the fact that I'm going back to Ithaca in the fall; and trust me, I have never spent so much time and effort praying for direction in my entire life. And I'm not stopping. Jeremiah 29:11 has been my life verse this year. It's seriously so pertinent and relevant to my life. God has woken me up in the middle of the night to remind me of that verse countless times over the course of this year. And that is where my trust is going in all of this: God.
No one is too happy about it. It was actually really hard for me at first as well. And I'm sure going back there isn't going to be easy for a lot of reasons. Actually, for a while, I kept feeling like God was confirming for me NOT to go back there. But when I started talking to my parents (I know they mean well and I'm thankful that they only want what's best for me but they have been making things so difficult for me lately) about all of it and applying to different places, the only options that ended up available to me are within like a 1 hour radius - which i know is not what God wants for me. Also, they don't have my major and I know for a fact that speech pathology is where I'm called to be as a career. That's another story though…but ultimately I need to get out, I need to move on, and I need to start seeking God's direction for my life in a new way. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be staying at Ithaca...maybe for a semester, maybe for a year, maybe for the rest of my undergrad….But none of that needs to be decided right now. I'm trusting in God for that as well.
As of right now, my current plan (which this could definitely change) is to either finish up my undergrad at Ithaca or go back to Ithaca for a year and then transfer to New Paltz (this all depends on a lot of different factors) ...and then do grad school for 2 years in the city. Maybe do an internship with Hillsong NYC or one of the churches in the area. I'd love to go to bible school when all is finished but I know my parents would be really upset if I skipped out on getting a degree that would make me money and just went to bible school right now. Also, like I said, I'm supposed to be a speech pathologist.
It is really, truly amazing how God works, and I'm learning that more and more everyday. This year has certainly not been easy for me in the least bit, but looking back on it, I have actually been very blessed in a lot of different ways.
Friday, December 16, 2011
mixed emotions.
i don't have time to write out my thoughts, and i'm too nostalgic and tired even get out of bed and make that attempt. blogging isn't necessarily as private, nor "classy" (for lack of a better word) as i would prefer, but it's clarifying nonetheless.
today i am your classic, confused, 18 year old girl at the start of the weekend right before finals week at the end of her first semester of her freshman year in college. i'm transferring next semester. i do believe it to be a God thing, but lately i've just been feeling very sad and perhaps even a sense of despondence at the thought of these next few days being my LAST few days as a student at ithaca college. as a speech-language pathology major. as luke keller's physics of sound student. as a part of JACKS5. and as the roommate of marley owen.
if anybody ever reads this, i do believe i will fall to pieces. is there a way i can make this private? we shall see.
today is jensey's 18th birthday. kiara and i purposely forced ourselves to stay awake despite our exhaustion, and made signs to decorate jensey's bedroom door. we quietly (miraculously) managed to tape these signs on her door and wait outside until exactly midnight, when we obnoxiously banged on her door and booked in back up the stairs to kiara's room, until we heard jensey's ever so predictable response: "AWWWWH YOU GUYS" ...TAPE STEALERS.
today was also my last day of classes as a first semester freshman. and my last day of classes at ithaca college, for probably forever. now that's a big deal and a lot to take in. annie, cris, jensey, kiara and i ate lunch in the pub today. i had margherita flatbread and by far the largest bottle of poland spring water i ever did see. i took my linguistics final at 2, which literally took me less than thirty minutes, and then we all took jensey to the mall to get her second holes pierced. we went to madeline's for dinner where i daringly (and very much out of character) gave my number to the waiter by writing it on the back of kiara's credit card receipt at the end of our meal. it was mostly just for funsies because it was something i would normally never ever do, a spur of the moment kind of thing, to live life on the edge. after all, i am in college. that's what college is for, right? so i might as well make the most of it. you know, no regrets type thing. which i feel like i really haven't been embracing in a while. but, i suppose that's another story.
after dinner, jensey and i went to awaken. awaken is one of ithaca's campus ministries, and i'm seriously so thankful for it. although that group is small, they seriously have some of the biggest hearts for God that i have ever been privileged enough to come in contact with. the first time i visited, i remember it making such an impact on me. i literally walked up to the pastor who spoke that night and thanked him for preaching the bible. the truth. God's truth. we immediately clicked and have consistently kept in contact ever since. with deep regrets, unfortunately it was difficult for me to attend many awaken fellowship meetings this semester due to other conflicts but it was so nice to see everyone again tonight, (and play taboo), and i'm sincerely going to miss them so much. i am so thankful for all of their hugs and prayers and encouraging words. and i will definitely be back to visit.
jensey and kiara came back to my room afterward, and we just sat in here and talked for a while. jensey has been worrying me lately because a while ago, we decided against going back to one of the campus ministries due to the fact that we did not want to be under the authority of leaders who are not even living for christ to their fullest potential. we both witnessed false teaching as well as a few other non-biblical events during our first few visits at evensong, so we both felt uncomfortable with a continuing attendance and participation in their group. tonight, on the other hand, jensey informed me that she is now playing piano for evensong's worship team. don't get me wrong- i am ecstatic for her, because i know she used to play piano for her church at home, and i also know that loves God so much and so passionately and that it will show through her playing, but at the same time, why would she want to be associated with so many hypocritical believers? i may just be being judgmental and perhaps even close minded but that's just how i feel about the situation. i will continue to pray for a change of heart and a renewal of the influence of the Lord on the lives of the people in evensong as well as awaken, as well as in my life. we could all use a little refreshment and heart adjustment every once in a while.
i just realized it's nearly 1:30 in the morning and i'm still typing this bit of a rampage. perhaps i should get going now, but there's still a lot on my mind. a lot i need to clear out. i'm sure a nice chat with God will do the trick, though.
goodnight, bloggers. not that anyone is reading this (i hope)
it's nice to be back.
today i am your classic, confused, 18 year old girl at the start of the weekend right before finals week at the end of her first semester of her freshman year in college. i'm transferring next semester. i do believe it to be a God thing, but lately i've just been feeling very sad and perhaps even a sense of despondence at the thought of these next few days being my LAST few days as a student at ithaca college. as a speech-language pathology major. as luke keller's physics of sound student. as a part of JACKS5. and as the roommate of marley owen.
if anybody ever reads this, i do believe i will fall to pieces. is there a way i can make this private? we shall see.
today is jensey's 18th birthday. kiara and i purposely forced ourselves to stay awake despite our exhaustion, and made signs to decorate jensey's bedroom door. we quietly (miraculously) managed to tape these signs on her door and wait outside until exactly midnight, when we obnoxiously banged on her door and booked in back up the stairs to kiara's room, until we heard jensey's ever so predictable response: "AWWWWH YOU GUYS" ...TAPE STEALERS.
today was also my last day of classes as a first semester freshman. and my last day of classes at ithaca college, for probably forever. now that's a big deal and a lot to take in. annie, cris, jensey, kiara and i ate lunch in the pub today. i had margherita flatbread and by far the largest bottle of poland spring water i ever did see. i took my linguistics final at 2, which literally took me less than thirty minutes, and then we all took jensey to the mall to get her second holes pierced. we went to madeline's for dinner where i daringly (and very much out of character) gave my number to the waiter by writing it on the back of kiara's credit card receipt at the end of our meal. it was mostly just for funsies because it was something i would normally never ever do, a spur of the moment kind of thing, to live life on the edge. after all, i am in college. that's what college is for, right? so i might as well make the most of it. you know, no regrets type thing. which i feel like i really haven't been embracing in a while. but, i suppose that's another story.
after dinner, jensey and i went to awaken. awaken is one of ithaca's campus ministries, and i'm seriously so thankful for it. although that group is small, they seriously have some of the biggest hearts for God that i have ever been privileged enough to come in contact with. the first time i visited, i remember it making such an impact on me. i literally walked up to the pastor who spoke that night and thanked him for preaching the bible. the truth. God's truth. we immediately clicked and have consistently kept in contact ever since. with deep regrets, unfortunately it was difficult for me to attend many awaken fellowship meetings this semester due to other conflicts but it was so nice to see everyone again tonight, (and play taboo), and i'm sincerely going to miss them so much. i am so thankful for all of their hugs and prayers and encouraging words. and i will definitely be back to visit.
jensey and kiara came back to my room afterward, and we just sat in here and talked for a while. jensey has been worrying me lately because a while ago, we decided against going back to one of the campus ministries due to the fact that we did not want to be under the authority of leaders who are not even living for christ to their fullest potential. we both witnessed false teaching as well as a few other non-biblical events during our first few visits at evensong, so we both felt uncomfortable with a continuing attendance and participation in their group. tonight, on the other hand, jensey informed me that she is now playing piano for evensong's worship team. don't get me wrong- i am ecstatic for her, because i know she used to play piano for her church at home, and i also know that loves God so much and so passionately and that it will show through her playing, but at the same time, why would she want to be associated with so many hypocritical believers? i may just be being judgmental and perhaps even close minded but that's just how i feel about the situation. i will continue to pray for a change of heart and a renewal of the influence of the Lord on the lives of the people in evensong as well as awaken, as well as in my life. we could all use a little refreshment and heart adjustment every once in a while.
i just realized it's nearly 1:30 in the morning and i'm still typing this bit of a rampage. perhaps i should get going now, but there's still a lot on my mind. a lot i need to clear out. i'm sure a nice chat with God will do the trick, though.
goodnight, bloggers. not that anyone is reading this (i hope)
it's nice to be back.
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